the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
