I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
