i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
