sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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