What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
