Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
