I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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