Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
