They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
