We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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