I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
