Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
