3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
