i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington†of vaginas.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize