There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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