I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
