so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
