just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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