I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
