when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
