I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
