Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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