are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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