She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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