Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize