I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
