Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
