watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
