ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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