I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
