My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
