i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
