hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
