There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
