You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
