She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
