A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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