i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
