he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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