Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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