ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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