I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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