Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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