my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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