Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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