OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
