mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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