Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
