you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize