My first STD was from a foam party
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
