I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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