i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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