ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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