I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
