One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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