"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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