She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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