Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
